16 March, 2013

Dear Bollywood II (Further interactions with the Indian Film Industry)


I am happy to report that some of you actually laughed at my previous Dear Bollywood post and suggested that I do a sequel. Some of you were courageous enough to even leave comments. I'm glad that I am not the only one on this planet with a weird sense of humor. But, every action has a reaction. I had warned you about leaving comments, which I am sure you took as another joke. As a result you will now have to face two consequences. On the negative side you are officially branded as a social outcast. People will look upon you as snobbish intellectuals who think they know the best there is; the kind of people who only comment on posts that shine like diamonds in the rough. Fear not, this time too shall pass. On the positive side, by commenting on my previous post (or this one) you shall have no problem if ever you were to plead insanity in court. That much I can promise you, well, I'm almost sure about it.

Bollywood though is another story...

Dear Jacks, you might have convinced papa dear to remake the Hollywood film Accepted, but rest assure, it does not mean we the audience will accept you as a hero, or an actor for that matter.

Dear Aamir, Salman and Shahrukh called. They were angry that I commented about them in my last post, but I left you out. So hurry up and give me some good material to write about. Also, can't you all just be friends and live happily ever after, like it happens in the movies?

Dear Raaz 2, 3 and Jism 2, 3, and Murder 2, 3, Numbers weren't invented so you could keep on adding them to a lousy movie you once made and continue to make more lousy movies. 

Dear Shirish, when we said your film was a joke we didn't mean it was a comedy just as when we say your tweets are a joke, we don't mean you are funny.

Dear Shiamak, I’ll let you be this time, just because my daughter recently enrolled in your dance class. Mind you, I had to pay full price.

Dear dusky beauties of Indian cinema, while both boys and girls might swoon over you, secretly everyone still uses Fair & Lovely. That reminds me, it's time I got a facial 'cause I’m so metro-sexual.

Dear various actors of Indian cinema and especially Govinda, you entice me into wearing bright (read: yellow, pink, red) colored clothes out in public in the name of fashion. Why everyone laughs at me, I know not why?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Prem
Chopra?
No
Nath?
No
Oh I get it, Salman from Maine Pyaar Kiya?
No
Someone from a Rajshree movie then?
No
Fine I give up, who is it?
Bhaiya kyon time waste kar rahe ho, courier wala hoon, sign karo.
#facepalm

Dear Raghu, Ranvijay, and the Twin, let's just stick with Roadies okay? Thank you.

Dear miscellaneous Indian film award shows, I thought it was only schools that gave awards for attendance?

Dear makers of Jab Tak Hain Jaan, thank you for teaching us all about CPR. 'Saans me teri saans mili toh mujhe saans aayi, Mujhe saans aayi, Mujhe saans aayi'

Dear Kangana, shouting 'you bastard' at the top of your voice and trying to act drunk, depressed, or drugged in most of your films isn't really what we call acting.

Dear various TV actors trying to break into films, I know it's really hard. I mean look at what they made Ram Kapoor do in Agent Vinod.

Dear Amisha, yes we know you are educated, so are we, why else do you think we avoid your films.

Dear makers of Sahib, Biwi, Aur Gangster Returns, how's this for the next movie; Sahib Biwi Aur Gangster Returns Again?

Wait! There’s more. It seems my creative juices are in full flow. The one after that we can call, here goes, it's a big one... Sahib, Biwi, Aur Gangster Returns Again 2. I know what you're thinking, Mind. Officially. Blown!

Dear Jacquelyn, you give us all out of shape, not at all funny men hope... Seriously!

Dear Aamir, I finally saw Talaash between now and my earlier comment above. It seems like you were in Talaash for a good script while you did this film. Haan Na? Dekho sach bolna! Also while I'm at it...

Dear makers of Talaash, kindly 'look' for a better script next time, and no, we're not idiots and can easily catch on to the subtle hints that you have so cunningly picked up from films like The Sixth Sense, thus making your climatic twist redundant.

Dear makers of Dabangg 2, dagabaz re, tori movie badi dagabaz re, dagabaz re, kuch Bhi naya nahi re, dagabaz re.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Deepika
Oh hi, sorry no baddi today, busy writing a post.
No no I got coffee
Oh okay, wait, is the music band with you too
No
Ummm bye

Dear Neil.Nitin.Mukesh, Imagine.Emote.Act

Dear makers of the film 3G, when 3G didn't work in real life what makes you think it will on screen?

Dear makers of the new Chashme Baddoor, you've left me speechless. You took a classic and apparently brought it down to the type of comedy that we saw in that film where the makers thought it would cool to change the spelling of cool to 'kool' in its title. Why? Whhhhhyyyyyyy?

Dear Akki, stop you infatuation and superstition with the word Khiladi and make good movies. Maybe then we won't have to sit through the torture that was Khiladi 786.

Dear makers of Bhoot Returns, who are you kidding? Even we know Mr. Bhoot has better things to do than return to act in your film?

Dear parents bringing in their new born to the theater to watch the latest Bollywood release, please don't be surprised when you kids starts crying five minutes into the film. One of you will spend half the time taking him/her out every few minutes, while the other will keep turning and looking at the door to check what's taking so long. All the while everyone else in the theater will be getting irritated, partly at you and partly at Kangana shouting and screaming.

Dear makers of Matru Ki Bijlee ka Mandola, I think more people would have watched the film had you named it Hero Ki Billi Ka Bevda. Although, it should be noted, I personally did enjoy the film.

Dear... knock knock
Oh well, here we go again,
Who's there?
Anil
Kumble?
Kapoor
Who?
Jhakaaas, now keep quiet or I'll unleash my good friend Jack Bauer on you.
Ummm, but he's a TV character
You wanna risk it?
No, it's okay…bye!

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