Dear Bollywood (Things I want to say to the Indian Film Industry)

This post started on a serious note with what was supposed to be 10 things I wanted to say to Indian actors and/or film makers, but that was not to be. What it transformed into was a comic piece which had me laughing at my own jokes, much to the annoyance of my wife who was sleeping next to me at the time. Yes, it was one of those good days when I got to sleep on the bed in place of the couch. You have to realize that in my head, I'm the funniest person alive and in the same head all of you are laughing your guts out while reading this post... starting now! The only way you can tell me and the rest of the world that I wasn't funny is by commenting, which is something I welcome, but in all honesty I'll just delete that comment and you would have wasted all your time and energy in writing that comment... So I would suggest read the article and even if you don't feel like laughing, fake it!

Dear Bollywood, please stop using the word Bollywood. It means nothing, unlike that place called Hollywood which is, well, an actual place. Also saying you're part of Bollywood to foreigners is as good as saying you're from Timbuktu. Be proud of your cinema.

(Yes! I know I've called you Bollywood too in this article, but that's so that you listen to me and also so I get more hits with people searching Google)

Dear Shahrukh Khan, you may have an ever growing fan base, but we all miss the humble Shahrukh of the Fuji and Baazigar era. The whole 'I'm the best' attitude is just so lame. Also Ra.One, lets just hope the 'one' referred to the number of movies you had planned in the series.

Dear Deepika Padukone, we really want to see you do something other than playing the same old role of a modern girl who drinks, smokes, is okay with live in relationships, calls her parents by their first names etc. Nothing wrong with the role, but you've been doing the same thing again and again and again and again ... See how annoying it is when I repeat the same word ... That!

Dear Abhishek Bachchan, Ek role, Ek power house wala role mangta hai. Angry young man will do. No more multi-starrers, okay a few, but also some main leads playing complex characters in good stories. Good stories being the main part. Kabhi toh koi Idea apne liye rakhlo.

Dear Regional Cinema, is that the right term? I'm not sure, but seriously though, you make some outstanding films, so please release them with subtitles. We don't have to always wait for dubbed versions or for Hindi cinema to pick them up and remake them.

Dear “mithai” makers, I hope you learnt an important lesson. We in India watch classic Hollywood films, and world cinema, and Indian cinema, and pretty much everything you think we don't watch. So don't copy things and try to present them as original. If you do, don't send your film for consideration to the Oscars. If you do...

(Yup! Nothing. Nothing is what you'll get in return)

Dear Indian Cinema, when you release the DVD, kindly pay a tiny bit of attention to the subtitles. It's not too much hard work, and it will only benefit you in the long run when it comes to the international market.

Dear Akshay Kumar, in your own words 'Bacchae Ki Jaan lega kya?'. What in the world are you making. Rowdy Superbore and what not. Seriously, barish karwa aur hosh main aao.

Dear various actors and actresses, please, please, please keep your relationships a secret. We know you are all modern and okay with us knowing who you are dating, but honestly speaking, we don't really want to know... Okay!

Dear Anurag Kashyup, aapko itna gussa kyon ata hai? Zara chill marne Ka aur Gangs of Wasseypur type good-good filums banane Ka.

Dear Sonakshi Sinha, stop with the village-belle roles you've been doing and start experimenting a bit.

Dear Actors in their 30s and 40s with 6-8 packs, you make my wife drool. I no like this. Please eat more junk food.

Dear 3D - DIE!!

Dear Ek Thi Daayan, hahahahahahahahaha bas bas hansaa hansaa ke maare gi kya?

Dear makers of Agneepath (2012), Don't listen to anyone else, you made an amazingly bloody revenge drama with stellar performances, and I liked your film.

Dear...

Knock knock,

Excuse me a moment please,

Who's there?

'Tusshar Kapoor now with two s''

Tusshar Kapoor now with two s' who?

'You're right actually'

Dear Anushka Sharma, please take the advice I gave to Deepika and do roles that are other than that of a Delhi girl. Thoda moderation to banta hai Na!

Dear...

Knock knock,

Humph! Excuse me once again,

Who's there?

Tusshar Kapoor

Tusshar Kapoor who?

Jeetender ka beta

Chal jhoota!

Dear Gangs of Wasseypur, you made many a women on twitter change their twitter handles to 'womaniya' ... I know not why?

Dear makers of Student Of The Year, since you made a film about the new generation, all I'd like to say is WTF?

Dear Karan Johar, no one anymore cares if you're inside the closet, outside it, or in between. So, yes, if some doofus asks you that, you may go Tarantino on him. In fact I'd pay to see you go Tarantino on that poor soul.

Dear Imran, please meet Zayed Khan. Your future-self. No seriously!!

Dearest Makhi, my wife said she did not like how you looked in the film and that you gave her nightmares. Very superficial of her I know, but you might want to fire your makeup artist.

Dear Deol Family (minus Abhay), Where are you? What? I shouldn't wake them up? Oh okay!

Dear...

Knock knock

Ufff.. Sorry

WHO'S THERE?

'Ritesh Deshmukh.'

Ritesh Deshmukh kaun

'Woh yahaan Tushar aaya tha kya?'  #facepalm

(#facepalm kya? It's a twitter thing, Tum nahi samjhoge)

Dear Aishwarya, people still never get your jokes during interviews or the accent. Actually people don't get my jokes either, or my accent. Hmmmm...

Dear Irrfan, please don't let the West use and abuse you. You're a great actor so choose your roles wisely. I mean The Amazing Spider-Man ... What was that?

Dear English Vinglish, this English is a very phunny language and you made Mind Your Language into a filum. That is all.

Dear Sonam Kapoor, itna sannata kyun hai behan? What… wait, wait, I take the last part back.

Dear Omi Vaidya, aapka 3 idiots wala act khatam hua toh kuch aur dekhen?

Dear Prateik Babbar, I thought I had a squeaky voice. Also see above advice to Imran Khan.

Dear Vicky Donor, you took all the fun out of Doner Kebabs

Dear jamai raja, Hahahahahahahahaha yes, we're laughing at you.

Dear Saif, Older? Check. Younger? Check. Same Age? Abhi Picture Baaki hai dost. Okay fine, I'm jealous.

Dear makers of Bol Bachchan, Why? Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyy?

Dear makers of Paanch Ghantey Mien Paanch Crore, Thank you for ek title mien puri story.

Dear Madhur Bhandarkar, I have a story for you. There once was a director. He made a film. Then he made the same film in a different setup with a different cast. Then he made another film with a different setup, but it was still the same film, only with different actors. Then, he made another film, but this time is was still the same film where only the setup and the actors were different. Yes, humko pakaoge toh hum tumko pakaenge.

Dear makers of I M 24, if you would have told the audience the real age of the actors, they still wouldn't have cared about the film.

Dear makers of Jism 2, the only people who benefitted from your film were the producers of Sunny Leone's earlier films.

Dear Sajid Khan, Maaf karo Bhai, hum galati manlete hain. Houseful 3 mat banana.

Dear dialogue writer of Agent Vinod, "aap coffe ke liye chalna chahenge" ... Yeh kya hai?

Dear the team of Tezz, I love how your cast goes inside a manhole in London and come out in Birmingham. Might come as a surprise, but we too travel outside India.

Dear Akshay Khanna, Where are you? Kya? isko bhi sone do? Yaar, pehle bola karo.

Dear entire team of Players. You had a story given to you. You had two films you could get inspired from. And what is it you do... Bolo... Chup kyun ho... Time ki barbadi.

Dear Salman, there is so much I can say about you, but I won't, kyuki mujhe John aur Vivek nahi ban na hai.

Dear...

Knock knock

That does it

Who is it?

'Shatrughan Sinha'

Who? What?

'KHAMOOSH!'

Okay!